No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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