you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
