There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
