Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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