Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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