So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
