its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
