I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
