Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
