I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
