I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm too high and old for this...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
