im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
