The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
