Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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