Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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