Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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