My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
