My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
