guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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