i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
