Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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