if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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