i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
