My nipple is on Facebook.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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