Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
