I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
