someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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