I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
