I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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