She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im holly from the hills drunk
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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