I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
