I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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