I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
