but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
this hospital has no fireball
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
