forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
