My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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