Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
