I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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