You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
