One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
