Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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