Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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