Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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