i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Who died my cat blue again?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
