i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
