Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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