i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
