just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
