How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I look better un-naked...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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