Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
