We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
